Elevator Etiquette Errors

Working in a sky scrapper is kinda cool and it has it's perks: Nice views, most meetings are in the building, there are lots of places to get food and coffee right there. But, it does require you to spend quite a bit of time riding elevators. I take two elevators (and usually two escalators) just to get downstairs to get a coffee refill. With all this time spent getting into, riding, and getting out of elevators I have observed some common elevator etiquette errors. Here they are, in increasing degree of annoyance. Please, for everyone's comfort and safety, try to avoid these behaviors:

The surprised cellphone cutout victim: Generally spotted boarding the express elevator while on their cell. As the doors close and the elevator starts to move, the victim will get a confused look, say something like "WHAT?? Hold on, I'm in an elevator. I can't hear you! Huh?!" The call will either be dropped, resulting in frustration to the victim, or be resumed after a period of glitchyness when the victim exits the elevator and says "Can you hear me now?" I could look the other way on the foul of using a cellphone in an elevator, but being shocked when your phone cuts out inside a fast moving metal box which is encased in a concrete shaft in the middle of a marble, concrete, and steel building? That's something you should see coming.

The failed hand chop: Everybody is in the elevator, the doors are closing, and just at the last second, what happens? A hand comes shooting through the gap between the doors waving up and down trying to trigger the sensor so the owner of the hand can join the party. Sometimes this does not have the intended result, like when the elevator is already angry due to an overabundance of prior successful hand choppers, or when the chopper misses the sensors. Depending upon who happens to be standing at the controls, the sight of wildly chopping hand may trigger a panicked reaction, such as the incorrect button press discussed below. After all, who wants to see someone's hand get hacked off in the doors and travel down with you? That's just awkward. However, I have never seen anything like this happen, as chopping hands have an amazing ability to be withdrawn at the last possible instant. Other prevalent versions of the hand chop include: The purse swing, the briefcase uppercut, and the manila folder slice.

The holder: Curiously, the holder's goal is to demonstrate uncommon levels of proper etiquette, which is precisely why they are so annoying to me. The holder is the passenger who immediately places their arm against the open door in a "Look at me, I'm helping everyone out by holding the doors open for you!" fashion, dawns a smug smile, and motions for everyone to exit before they, as the last person to leave the car, remove their helpful arm and allow the mighty doors to close. They seem so gratified. As if they have done everyone such a service. Well, I've made many a successful exit from the elevator without a holder, and would rather not feel I should give them my gratitude. Sort of like the homeless dude who splashes dirty water on your windshield at a stoplight and expects you to give them money for the service. I always want to say "Thannnnnks. That's greatttt." But really, no thanks! The holder can execute the extended hold by exiting the car while pivoting the arm around and holding as people refill the car as well. It should be noted that the holder's services are at times welcome when they amount to a reverse hand chop, delaying an elevator from leaving that you otherwise would have missed. But there is a limit, as this may result in an undesirable delay for those already aboard.

The incorrect button presser: You can always tell when you have been inconvenienced by the incorrect button presser. They may be internal or external. Telltale signs of an internal incorrect presser are elevators stopping on floors where the button is lit up, but nobody exits. Some kindly admit their wrongdoing, while others look silently at the floor in shame. External incorrect pressers are most frustrating because often the perpetrator is completely unseen. They stand in the lobby as the elevator arrives, but don't board because they mistakenly pressed up instead of down, or down instead of up. Hey, it can be hard to know which direction you are headed these days. I must admit I did this today, and could feel the rage of unjustly delayed downward bound passengers spilling from the gaping doors as I hid in the corner and waited for my second and correct choice: up. Internal incorrect pressers can also commit errors that don't have any impact, such a the panicked reaction to a chopping hand in peril. This, ironically, is more often than not to press the button they are most accustomed to pressing in a hurry, door close, rather than door open. The most interesting variation I have ever witnessed involved an incorrect press of the alarm button rather than door open. Thankfully the mistake didn't stop the car, but the security guards on the intercom did want to know what was going on.

The premature enterer: These folks don't seem to understand that everyone is going to need to get out before the elevator can be turned around. They wait eagerly, right in front of the doors. The struggle against the current of exiting passengers to get in before everyone has disembarked, invading your personal space as they squeeze by. I want to say "Oh hi! Welcome aboard. Mind if I get off your elevator here?" or perhaps "Get out of my freakin' way!" Exit blockage by a premature enterer bound in the opposite direction is annoying, but it doesn't usually cause a major problem. The entry blocker, however, can really wreck your evening. They don't seem to have anywhere to be after work. Perhaps they have an unnatural affinity for the express elevator lobby. Whatever the case, they waddle slowly right in your path toward the waiting elevator, but don't get there in time. You know they could have made it, meaning you could have made it, meaning you wouldn't have to run down the hill and see your bus pulling through the intersection and leaving you behind. This always seems to happen on a day when I am leaving just a little bit early to catch an earlier bus, but then end up leaving early only to wait an extra 15 minutes on the street for my regular bus. Damn!

There you have it. Three(ish) years of frequent sky scrapper elevator usage experience all boiled down to some handy guidelines on what not to do. Thankfully, I am past the stage where I would need to complain about elevator etiquette errors in the dorm elevators, such as the one floor wonder. Ahh, all those troubles seem so far away now. Interesting fact from another post on elevator etiquette:

In Japan elevators offer a smoother ride than those in the U.S. One industry spokesman says, "Japanese elevators are very smooth because the Japanese are very sensuous people, whereas the people in the Western world are more in a hurry and a smooth ride isn't considered as important."

Just remember: ...if there's a fire, use the stairs!

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